iHope This Works
by Harry Potter Fan 1994
Summary: Chapter 3: When Sam and Mrs. Benson clash, you don't want to be in the way.
1. Chapter 1: iGet Them Together

Hey! I'm new to this fandom, but Seddie is just impossible NOT to write about. This is set right after iTwins.

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly.

* * *

"And for our last segment, give it up for Sam's sister, Melanie!"

Reluctantly, Sam pressed the applause button, and Melanie skipped into the studio, waving.

"Hey everybody!"

"In case someone caked mud on your eyes--" Carly said.

"Or if you're stupid." Sam cut in.

"--And you don't know, Sam and Melanie are identical twins!"

A booming, deep male voice repeated "Identicaaaaaaal twins! Identicaaaaaaaal twins!" while Sam and Melanie hula'd in front of the camera.

"I'm Melllllanieeeee...aaaand I liiiiike to weeeeeaaaaaar maaaaaakeee uuuuuup!"

"I'm Saaaaaaaam...aaaaaand I liiiiiike to beeeeeeeeeat peeeeeeeople uuuuuup!"

Normally, Freddie would've laughed, but he knew what was coming up.

"Well Melanie, have you got anything to say to our audience?" Carly asked.

"Yeah, I can balance a spoon on my nose!" Sam handed her a spoon, and she placed the concave end on her nose, holding it there for a full ten seconds amid simulated cheering.

"Nice! Can we get some more cheering?"

Sam pressed the button again. She wouldn't have put up with this if Make-Fun-Of-Freddie (her new favorite segment on iCarly) wasn't next.

"Anyway, Carly, I do have something else to say. Please enjoy the video we call: Freddie Is The Most Gullible Person On Earth Part 2!"

Carly's infamous moving TV screen popped out of the wall, and words began to scroll across it, accompanied by the 'Identical Twin' voice. "You know Freddie..." A picture of the said technical producer popped up. "You've seen the clown clip..." Freddie's clown-painted face flashed once. "But he's not done! Once again, Freddie's gullability bit him in the butt!"

Short clips began to run.

_"Sam doesn't have a sister!"_

_"Yeah she does, her name's Melanie."_

_"Then how come I've never heard of her?_

_End clip._

_"Are you Sam right now, or Melanie?"_

_"I don't know, does this hurt?" Sam punched him._

_"OW! Yeah, that hurt!"_

_"Then I'm Sam."_

_End clip._

"Okay, that's enough!" Freddie growled.

"We haven't gotten to Sam making you believe Melanie didn't exist, though!" Carly said.

"Or to the part where we zoom in on your face when you found out Melanie was real," Sam added.

"Or to the best part!" giggled Melanie.

"What 'best part'?" asked Freddie cautiously.

"Okay, everyone, we're going to skip right to..."

"_The first and only time ever iCarly Aca-dummy Awards!"_

From behind her, Carly produced a slice of cake with the letters 'WA' on it.

"Wa?" Freddie questioned.

"From 'AWARDS.' There was a whole cake, but Sam ate it all. Sorry."

Freddie rested his camera on the tripod and joined the others on set and grab his slice of cake. "That's really nice of you guys. Especially after you've been picking on me--" He eyeballed Sam. "_Constantly._"

"And it doesn't stop here!" assured the tomboy twin. She swiped the treat out of his hand and pressed it slowly to his face.

Carly's jaw dropped. "Sam! That was supposed to make him feel better!"

"Oh. Was it? Well, it makes _me_ feel better," she said while rubbing it in. Freddie just stood there, not believing he didn't see this coming. Sam let the paper plate drop to the floor, scooped some frosting off Freddie's chin with her finger, and ate it. "Mmmm. Much better. I'm gonna get a smoothie to wash this down. Come back for iCarly next week!"

* * *

"Too bad Melanie's gone. She was fun to have around," Carly said, mostly to break the silence in the elevator. Freddie wasn't talking to Sam. Again. Sam didn't really care.

"No she wasn't. Oh yeah, you didn't have any salsa for your chips, so I just dipped them in that big jar of chocolate ice cream Spencer eats out of when he's depressed. Don't tell him."

"I have weird friends," Carly observed.

"One. You have _one_ weird friend," muttered Freddie.

"Yeah," agreed Sam. "And one dorky one."

"C'mon, you guys, knock it off. You've both been so upset since Melanie got here. Just...think positive or something. You're bringing me down!"

"Sorry."

"I mean, nobody got hurt when you met up with your sister again, Sam, that's pretty cool! And Freddie, you finally got your first kiss from Melanie!"

Freddie and Sam exchanged quick looks, then nearly nodded their heads off their necks.

"What was that?" Carly asked suspiciously.

"What?"

"That look! I saw the look. I'm not blind, that look was obvious. What was that look about? Am I hallucinating?"

Sam shrugged at Freddie. "It's Carly. We can't just not tell her."

"Yeah, I guess. But you won't tell anyone else, will you, Carly?"

"Tell anyone else what?" Her voice was going high pitched and she started talking really fast. Her friends knew those were warning signs immediately assured her Sam hadn't broken any major laws.

"Tell anyone else that...Melanie's kiss wasn't my first kiss."

"And I'm not really first-kiss-less either."

"Really? Who'd you guys kiss?"

The two pointed at each other.

It took Carly a full five minutes to process. "You guys...kissed? You're going out?"

"No! No, it was just so no one could make fun of us about it again," Freddie replied quickly. "It didn't mean anything."

"Yeah. Just to..." Sam paused for a millisecond. Carly, of course, saw the pause. "Get it out of the way."

"Oh my God..." More disbelief. She just couldn't imagine _Sam_ and _Freddie_, even when it wasn't for real. "What was it like?"

That was the most awkward question she could have possibly asked. Freddie cleared his throat multiple times before mumbling, "Nice."

"Sweet," Sam said absentmindedly.

"Sweet?" Freddie repeated.

She caught herself. "Yeah. What, were you munching on Milk Duds the whole time you were depressed or something?"

Carly saw the absentminded, dreamy trance. "Freddie, your mom's calling you."

"What? I don't hear--"

"Get out! She's calling you, I hear her, go away!" Carly pushed him out of the studio. She made sure he was gone before rounding on Sam.

"You're crushing on _Freddie_?"

"I am not!"

"You paused!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"He said 'it didn't mean anything' and you were like 'yeah, it didn't' but you paused and you looked at him and you looked _sad_! And then I was like 'how was it' and he goes 'nice' and you're like 'his lips were _sweet_!Sam, you're crushing on _Freddie_!"

Sam rolled her eyes. "Even if I _was_, and I'm not saying I _am_, it wouldn't matter. Freddie's liked you forever."

Carly slumped. "Oh, yeah. But you know what? Three days ago, he actually insulted something I was wearing!"

Sam frowned. "What?"

"I was wearing this necklace and he totally thought it made me look disgusting. I think that's one sign he's getting out of that bottomless, must-get-Carly-to-like-me pit. Oh, and he hasn't asked me out for weeks now. Remember when he used to do it every day?"

"Yeah..." There was something like hope in Sam's voice, so Carly kept going.

"And when we went to the movies last Saturday, he didn't fight anyone to sit next to me like he used to. And the last three times we went to the Groovy Smoothie, he didn't offer to pay for mine."

Sam thought over it. "Hmm. Well, congrats. You don't have Dorky McDorkpants stalking you anymore."

"Sam! That's no way to get him to like you!"

The studio door burst open. "Carly, my mom's at the organic supermarket, she wasn't calling me! But she left this horseradish pie, if Sam wants it. I don't think I can hold it down--" the said Mr. McDorkpants announced.

"Of course Sam does. What a _loving_ gesture on your part, Freddie. Sam, take the pie!"

Freddie raised an eyebrow. "Oookay. Carly, you're not gonna get all weird on us just because you found out about that kiss, right?"

"No! No, why would you think that? I'm definitely not going to get weird. Maybe a little weird, but that's just because--no! No weird, I promise. I'm just going to go crush--I mean brush my teeth and go to bed, 'kay?"

"...Good. Because it was a one time thing, you don't have to worry about Sam actually hugging me without give me a wedgie."

"Yeah, Carls. You won't _ever_ have to worry about that going away," Sam muttered darkly.

"Oh. Okay. Haha, funny joke, Freddie! I'll see you guys tomorrow. You can leave now, Freddie. Are you sleeping over, Sam?"

"Nope. My mom's gonna be late coming home, she's got a double therapy session. Someone's gotta beat her old boyfriend out of the house before midnight."

"That's...great," Freddie said dryly. "Oh, Carly, before I forget, Gibby's downstairs asking whether Spencer made his football team or not. I told him I'd get you to talk to him. I'd hurry before he starts dancing on your breakfast table again."

Carly shuddered. "Right." Then she stared from Freddie to Sam to Freddie and a lightbulb went off in her head. "Right! I'm coming, Gibby! You stay on that table!"

* * *

"So let me get this straight. For twenty bucks, you want me to pretend to like the girl who's been breaking my nose since the first grade?" summarized Gibby.

That did sound a little more like a twenty-five buck scheme. "Um...yes?"

"Fifty."

"Thirty."

"Sam scares the living daylights out of me. I'm not going to stalk her for any less than fifty!"

"Fine, fine, fifty. When can you start?"

"Tomorrow morning. Bright and early."

* * *

"AAAAAAAH!" Sam banged her head against her locker repeatedly.

"Did you forget your combo again?" asked Freddie.

"No! It's Gibby! He's driving me crazy! First he goes 'Hey, Sam, let's be partners for the Biology project!' and then he tried to put his arm around me, and when I threatened to break both of them he started throwing out this weird pick-up lines and--"

"Talkin' about me, babe?" Gibby cool-walked up to his target. "I like that."

"Ughhhh..."

Gibby leaned toward Freddie. "What'd she say?"

"I think she was choking on her own spit," Freddie replied.

"Oh!" Gibby continued loudly. "Wait 'til you see something that'll _really_ make you drool."

He ripped off his shirt. Sam just stared in horror.

"Detention, Gibby," Mr. Howard said as he walked by. "No stripping in school."

"Aw, man..."

Freddie sniggered. "Gibby? Since when did you like Sam?"

Gibby stared dreamily at her. "Ever since I first laid my eyes on that beautiful, frizzed, blonde hair and those gorgeous--"

"Shut up!" Sam shoved him into the lockers. "Don't talk about me like that!"

"I get it, I get it," the shirtless boy said, fighting back a wince. _So_ not worth the money. "Playing hard to get. Fine. How about a date with me?"

"Wha--?!" Sam started. Out of nowhere, Carly jumped in.

"No, Gibby. Sam won't date you, she's already dating..." Carly made a huge show of looking around for another guy, and finally pulled the tech nerd and Sam together. "Freddie!"

"Huh?" Gibby put on a pretty good preformance of being surprised, mostly because he didn't know that _this_ was who Carly was setting Sam up with. For a minute, he forgot his lines. "Um, well, then...um, prove it! I don't believe you! Sam would never date Freddie!"

"Well, she is, so she can't date you!" Carly countered.

"You lie! I'll stalk you to the end of your days, my beloved bully!"

"That's coming real soon, pal," Sam warned, pushing up her sleeves.

Freddie, just this one time, was not so easily fooled. He rolled his eyes at Carly and then held Sam back. "She's serious, Gibby. I'm dating Sam. Why don't we double? You'll see, it's totally a waste of your time to like someone who's already so deeply in love, like Sam is with me."

"Okay, next person who says something that mushy involving me is going home with no left ear!"

"Who's he doubling with?" inquired Carly.

"You," Freddie said smugly.

"Why did I ask?"

"Fine! I accept your terms! But if I even get a hint that you're faking, I'll never let Sam go!"

Sam cracked her knuckles. "Say good-bye to your ear, Gibby. It'll miss you."

Gibby did the smart thing and ran for his life.

* * *

Spencer wiped his hands on his paint-splattered jeans and sat down next to a very deep-in-thought Carly on the couch.

"Why are you so deep in thought?"

"Spencer...I'm doing the impossible. I might not come back alive."

He jumped up. "I told you, no bungee jumping until you're eighteen!"

"It's not that, it's worse. I'm getting Freddie and Sam together."

Her brother froze. "Um, okay. Let's pretend I don't find that statement incredibly strange. Carly, you know that if Freddie and Sam decided to date--in some weird, discombobulated alternate universe--you're going to be the third wheel?"

Carly shrugged. "I know. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that we've all been through a lot together. I don't think them going out is going to do anything to our friendship."

"And if they break up?"

"They hated each other before, they can do it again."

"Well! Sounds like you've got all the grounds covered. This is so _weird. _ I mean, Freddie and Sam? I'm going to go check and see if the laws of physics still apply and make sure the world hasn't ended. Good luck!"

"Thanks for your help! Sort of!" Carly called after him. There was a knock on the door. "Come in, it's open!"

Freddie shouldered the door aside, holding up two sweaters. "Which one do you think Sam'll hate the least?"

Carly laughed. "The one you're wearing." A strange scent wafted towards her. "Is that cologne?"

"No."

"Right. Well...Gibby and Sam should be here any minute,and then we can head off to the restaurant. Why don't you dump those two somewhere and hang out?"

"Yeah, sure."

When he came back, he watched Carly remain deep in thought for a while. "Hey."

"Hey yourself."

"Thanks."

"For what?"

He slipped his hands into his pockets. "For setting this thing up with Sam. I'd never ask her out, she'd kill me in my sleep. But how weird is it that Gibby likes her too?"

"Heh. Yeah. Weird."

"I can't believe she didn't say no to a date with me. Hope she won't throw up before we even get there."

He said it like he was worried, but he couldn't wipe the tiniest of grins off his face.

* * *

"Sam, is that lip gloss?" Freddie asked curiously.

"No. Why do you smell good?"

"I always do. I didn't know you owned a skirt."

"Well, I do. New shoes?"

"Maybe."

"Aw, you guys are so cute, aren't they cute, Gibby?" Carly insisted, elbowing Gibby in the side.

"Yeah. Cute."

They found a table for four right in the middle of the restaurant. They were like the hole of awkward silence surrounded by a donut of chaotic sound.

"So..." Carly was at a loss.

"Listen," Gibby said. "My Grammy's in town and I want to spend some time with her, so let's make this quick. Sam, either you kiss Benson or you kiss your sanity good-bye."

Freddie started. "What? Don't we work up to that part? We've only been here like two seconds!"

"Dont be a wimp, Freddie, just kiss her!" urged Carly.

Sam sighed out of fake boredom.

"Listen, Gibby, I don't think you know how this works. If you lay a finger on Sam, that finger's gone for good. And I like my lips. I use them a lot!"

"Well, how'd they survive the first time?" Carly blurted accidentally. Freddie and Sam glared at her.

Gibby leaned in. "First time? You mean...uh, yeah, duh, there would be a first time, if you guys are dating. I wanna see some lip action, or no deal. You're her boyfriend, right? That shouldn't be a problem."

"You promise you'll leave me alone then, Gibby?"

"Yep."

"Fine."

"Whaddya mean, fi--mmph!" Sam grabbed the front of Freddie's shirt and roughly pulled him closer. It was nothing like their first kiss at all. Not that Carly would know. She guessed their first was a more Freddie-type kiss, nice and sweet. This was definitely more Sam, spontaneous and not the best thing to display in public.

"When you're done analyzing them, you owe me fifty bucks," said Gibby.

Sam and Freddie had broken apart, but they didn't hear him. They were still dazed and--yes, corny, but Carly was sure--lost in each other's eyes. Or something close to it. They leaned in again, much more slowly, and Carly knew it would be a while before they left.

"'Kay, our work here is done." She handed Gibby his money and he pumped his fist in the air.

"Yeah, Grammy, guess who can buy you those dentures who wanted now!"

* * *

"We'll see you next time on iCarly!" said Carly cheerfully. "Now Sam and I will sing the alphabet backwards. Z!"

"F!"

"Close enough! Bye!"

"And that's a wrap," concluded Freddie. "Nice show. We had a huge audience today."

"I can't believe it turned out that great when there wasn't a Make-Fun-Of-Freddie segment," Sam said.

"Funny. But you know you wouldn't enjoy it as much now that we're together." He kissed her on the cheek while she thought over it.

"Nah, I'd still enjoy it."

Freddie backed off, but Sam swung her arm over his shoulder.

Carly fought the urge to rush towards them. "Wow. I still can't believe you're not doing that to strangle him. This is going to take sooo much getting used to."

"I know." Freddie smiled at Sam. "But I don't think it'll be that hard to get used to. I mean, it's not like we'll be skipping down the halls holding hands or something."

"Holding hands? You'd better not try that on me, Fredward. I'm not gonna look like a wimp just because I'm dating one."

"I guess it's not that different," Carly agreed.

"Are you okay with this, Carls?" asked Sam. Her friend nodded.

"As long as we still hang out."

"Sure. Just not for the next two hours. Freddie and I are gonna go grab a smoothie."

"You need two hours to drink a smoothie?"

Freddie wrapped his arm around Sam's waist. "And maybe do some other stuff."

"You two behave yourselves, now!" Carly griped, old lady-style.

"Will do, Grammy. Bye!"

The door slammed behind them. Carly sat for a few minutes, pondering, and came to an astounding observation. "It's really quiet in here."

She was about to follow them down the stairs, and almost opened the door the whole way when she heard Freddie say "...love you" and saw the two kissing right on top of the stairwell. Not wanting to disturb them, she closed the door, picked up Sam's sound box, and pressed the last button. Suddenly, it seemed as if a crowd of people had popped their heads into the studio just to say collectively, "Awww..."

* * *


	2. Chapter 2: iHave Relationship Issues

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I decided to extend the story a little bit. They're all one shots, they're all related, but they can all be separate too. So here's the semi-chapter 2! It's a lot less...entertaining, for lack of a better word, than the last. But in an extreme situation, I think this is what would happen.

PS: sorry if this story seems Freddie-biased. I'm a huge Freddie fan (ah! how couldn't I be? He's smart and funny and Nathan Kress is incredibly cute) but let me know if he's my-perfect-Freddie or if he seems ok...and quick question. What is that blue thing with all the buttons on it that Sam presses and it cheers or 'Boo's? I called it the sound box in here but I don't think that's it...

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly. Or the Hannah Montana show. Or the Home Depot. Or Jamaica. Though I would be rich with any combination of the four.

* * *

"And now, please welcome to the show my Aunt Margaret's dog, Sadie!" announced Carly. "She's staying with me and my brother Spencer for the week while Aunt Margaret's in Jamaica. Isn't she cute?" Carly picked up the little weiner dog and held it out so Freddie could get a close up on its face. "Yes she is, she's _so_ cute, and you know what else?"

"That dog eats _anything_," Sam answered. "And to demonstrate, I'm going to challenge Sadie to a hot dog/kibble eating contest!"

"Sam will be eating the hot dogs, not the kibble," Carly clarified.

"I could eat the kibble."

"Don't."

Freddie snickered. Big mistake.

"What are you laughing at, Dorkwad?"

Carly paused. That was _not_ part of the script.

"I was laughing at your _joke,_" Freddie snapped.

"Just lower the stupid dog food!"

Before the show, Freddie had a temporary lever-and-pulley system attached to the ceiling of the iCarly studio. In theory, the food should have dropped right down onto the table in front of the girl and dog. The 'theory', however, did not include what would happen if an angry boyfriend was operating it.

"Lowering," said Freddie.

He pressed a button, and ten pounds of dog food cascaded onto an unsuspecting Sam.

Freddie smirked. "Whoops. Must've been a glitch."

Sam was slowly turning scarlet. Before she could lunge at Freddie, Carly pulled her back.

"Sam! Sam, _stop. _Freddie, that was completely unnecessary! Okay, you know what? iCarly viewers, we have a surprise segment to add to the show today. Freddie, get over here. Sam, control yourself!"

Sam tugged herself out of Carly's grip with a huff. If looks could kill, Freddie would have been dead ten times over.

"Freddie, Sam, pull up some chairs."

"But--"

"I said PULL!"

"Pulling!"

Carly sat them next to each other and faced the camera again, periodically slapping Sam's fist when it threatened to connect with Freddie's face. "Some of you might remember Miss Ackermann, our old teacher who dated my brother and then got arrested for illegally downloading songs onto a PearPod. She and Spencer had a fight--mostly because she was a psycho--and we managed to get the authorities to catch her using a fake segment on iCarly. Well, I never thought I'd have to use the Make Up or Break Up? segment again, but I do. And unless _Sam_ stops trying to _beat Freddie up_, we might have to get the FBI involved again."

Sam sat on her hands.

"Freddie and Sam have been dating for two weeks now," Carly continued, "and they're having a lot of problems. Let's have Freddie's side of the story first. Freddie?"

The tech nerd rolled his eyes. "Honestly, what girl calls her boyfriend 'Freakward Geekson'? You guys remember Sam picking on me all the time. Ever since we started going out, it's gotten worse. It's like she's twice as willing to hurt me as before. I mean, you never treated Pat or Pete or whatever his name was like this."'

"Maybe because he was actually tougher than his _girl_friend," Sam shot back.

"Sam! Freddie's turn!"

"It's fine. I'm done," Freddie muttered.

"Okay. Now you, Sam. What's your problem here?"

She jerked her thumb towards Freddie. "Him."

Freddie sighed in frustration.

"Seriously, Sam. Any specifics?"

"Carly, Carly, Carly. Sam obviously doesn't like to talk about her _feelings_," cut in a familiar, shirtless dancer.

The three of them whipped around. Gibby ran into the studio, waving at the camera. Unfortunately, all that was recorded of this dramatic entrance was the weirded out looks on the iCarly gang's faces. Carly cut through the silence.

"Gibby...? What are you doing here?"

"I'm making a guest appearance to help Sam confess her innermost fears!" He held his hand in front of his face and whispered to Carly, "My mom's making me take this psychology course and I LOVE it. Just watch." He cleared his throat and continued. "See, Sam has always bullied Freddie, and a change as big as this is something that she can't _handle_, emotionally. She feels the need to become more aggressive to assert the notion that nothing has really changed between them, and now she's preventing a loving relationship from grow--AHHH!"

Sam had jumped out of her chair and was currently pounding Gibby to the ground. "Do. Not. Try. To. Tell. People. I. Am. Insecure!"

"Sam! Sam, I admit that was strange and totally uncalled for but I think he's unconscious!" Carly yelled.

Freddie attempted to pull her off, but as aforementioned, he was not tougher than his girlfriend.

Carly ran up in front of the camera. "We're having some technical difficulties right now. We'll be back on in five minutes. Vote 'Make Up' or 'Break Up' and leave us some comments!"

* * *

After Sam agreed to lay off Gibby, Freddie got the show started up again. Already, over one hundred thousand of the viewers had voted, and...

"Ninety seven percent voted Make Up," Carly read. "MiSsY235 says 'come on, u guyz, sure sam's a little tuff n freddie's not but u guys r meant 4 each other. U can't let this get in b/w u.' And bananafofana99 says, 'you're fighting over nothing. if sam can stop picking on freddie and freddie can just forgive and forget every once in a while, you wouldn't have any problems.'"

Sam wanted to comment on the intelligence of the viewers, but couldn't do it on camera. "So?"

"So, come on, make up already! I don't want my two best friends fighting. Please?"

Freddie crossed his arms in front of his chest. "If Sam agrees to treat me like a human being, then maybe."

Sam kicked back in her chair. "If Freddie agrees to act like a human being and not some nerd from planet Zorgon, then maybe."

Freddie jumped up. "You know what, Sam? Forget it!" He would have stomped out, but Carly grabbed his shoulder.

"Uh-uh. Bad things happen to people who don't comply with the Make Up or Break Up? rules. Do you know what we do to them?"

"Nothing," the couple scoffed simultaneously.

"Um...well, yeah..."

"I got this one, Carly," Gibby assured her. Before Sam or Freddie knew what was happening, Gibby had snapped a handcuffs on both of their wrists.

Their eyes bulged. "Gibby, what'd you just do?!"

He thumped his chest importantly. "That's right. I got that off _Hannah Montana."_

Sam growled and attempted to roundhouse him with her free hand, but ended up whalloping Freddie in the head.

"OW!"

"Get out of the way, Benson!"

She twisted around, trying to find a good position to hurt Gibby in, but it was no use. The more the two struggled, the more tangled up they got and the more they pulled various muscles.

"Don't even try. These are even better than the ones Freddie used on me. I've got the only thing that can set you guys free, once you make up." Gibby held up a shiny metal key, which caught the attention of more than three people.

With a leap and a bark, Sadie the weiner dog snatched the key out of Gibby's hand and swallowed it whole.

The very air seemed to stop circulating.

"Uh-oh," Carly whispered. "Um...be-sure-to-join-us-on-iCarly-next-time-bye!"

* * *

"I can't believe this!" Sam groaned. "Gibby, we have to get another key made for this!"

"Uh...I forgot where I got it from..."

"Isn't there like...I don't know, a key shop we can go to?" Freddie asked desperately.

"Okay, here, everyone stay calm. Spencer's at The Home Depot right now shopping for a new doorknob so he's going to be a few hours. How about we get Mrs. Benson to--"

"No! My mom is _never_ going to hear about this. She doesn't even know I'm dating Sam! If I showed up chained to her..."

"What if I have to pee?" Sam wondered.

Freddie nearly cried. "Aw, man..."

"Alright, so I'll call Spencer and tell him to come home now. He'll figure out something. Maybe."

"Or we could just wait for the key to...you know...come out Sadie's other end," Gibby suggested.

Carly stared at him, but Sam didn't miss a beat. "Who votes Gibby to dig around in the dog poop for the key?"

Three hands went up.

* * *

While Carly tried to get ahold of Spencer, Sam instructed Freddie to hold out his chained arm. "Don't worry, this works all the time when my mom gets arrested."

"You sure?"

"Who do you think breaks her out? Now hold still."

She karate chopped the center of the chain, which consequently yanked Freddie off his feet and onto the Shay's kitchen floor.

"Sam! That _hurt_!"

"I told you to hold still. Do you have _any_ muscle under that baby fat?"

"It's not baby fat! I'm _healthy_!"

"Is that what your Mommy tells you?"

"That's _enough!"_ Freddie stood up, eyes blazing. "I'm so _sick_ of you insulting me and treating me like dirt! Do you ever even think that _maybe_ I don't want to be shoved around or pushed over or punched or teased? That I'd appreciate being able to go one day without you yelling at me about something stupid? Why can't you lay off? You're my girlfriend, you're supposed to care about what happens to me! I don't even know why I bother _trying_ with you!"

He finished breathing hard. Freddie hadn't realized exactly how much animosity he'd been bottling up. Sam looked as surprised as he did, but her expression quickly changed into something he'd never seen on her before. She looked like she'd shrunk; shoulders hunched, eyebrows scrunched, and absolutely no more eye contact. It suddenly occured to Freddie that he might have hurt the feelings of the ultimate Ice Queen.

"Sam..."

"Whatever." She turned and tried to walk away, then whirled back around. "Why are you following me?!"

He pointed at his wrist. "We're kind of handcuffed..."

"Where's Spencer? Isn't he supposed to get this stuff off of us?" Her eyes were fiery red from anger...or not?

"Sam, listen. I just thought that once we started dating, you'd pull back, at least a little bit. I didn't--"

She scowled at him. "You just dated me to get me to stop picking on you?"

"I dated you because I _liked_ you, Sam," Freddie corrected gently. "But you're making it so hard for me to keep doing that."

"Don't make it my fault. I'm still the same person I was before we started going out. If you liked me then, you should like me now."

Freddie gave her a strange look. "Please don't tell me Gibby was right."

"What?"

"That whole 'you're afraid of change' thing? Was he seriously hitting the nail on the head with that? You don't like it that we're different now?"

"Hmm. Isn't that weird? Some random idiot knows me better than you do."

Freddie gaped at her.

"You know...maybe the Make Up or Break Up audience was wrong," Sam said harshly. "I don't think--"

"Fredward! There you are. I've been looking all over for you. It's dinner time!" Mrs. Benson had let herself in, and fortunately the kitchen counter hid the handcuffs from her view.

Freddie thought fast. "Uh...thanks, Mom, but I'm actually going to eat over here. Carly invited me, so...um...yeah."

"So she's finally gotten around to asking you to dinner, hmm?"

Sam's mood could have frozen molten lava. Freddie chuckled nervously. "Not really..."

"Well, I'm sorry, Fredward, but you know I don't approve of Spencer Shay's meals. Do you want colon cancer?"

"No, but--"

"Heart disease?"

"No, but--"

"Arthritis?"

"No, but Mom--"

"Then come on. Sam, could you let Carly know that Fred--" She stopped in mid-name and stared.

Accidentally (or not) Sam had tucked her hair behind her ear with the wrong hand. Freddie pulled it back down, but it was too late.

"Why...is my son...attached...to your right arm?"

"Mom...calm down. It's okay. It's just an iCarly thing gone wrong, but Spencer'll be back any second to fix it--"

Carly rushed down the stairs in a frenzy. "Spencer isn't picking up. You know how distracted he gets with doorknobs--oh, hi Mrs. Benson. This is awkward."

Mrs. Benson took a deep breath. "Fredward. Sam. You will march across the hall right now and you will stay there until I get a locksmith to break open that abominable contraption. Now march! March! Not you, Carly, you've done quite enough! March! March!"

* * *

Freddie tugged Sam out onto the fire escape and shut the door, cutting off his mom's ranting. "That's what I meant when I didn't want to tell her anything. She'll be freaking out for weeks."

Sam shook her head pathetically. "I can't believe you didn't even tell her I was your girlfriend, though. She still thinks you're crushing on Carly...you are, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not. I just couldn't break it to her. She doesn't like you all that--" He cursed to himself. Bad, bad idea. "--much."

"I hate you."

"I know."

Sam sat on the windowsill, so the farthest he could get from her was the stairs. It didn't really feel like it had been just a couple of months ago, in this same setting, when this whole mess had gotten started with a promise to 'go back to hating each other again' right after their first kiss.

"Didn't really work out that way, huh?" he murmured. He knew she was thinking the same thing. He shook his wrist. "All comes back to the handcuffs, doesn't it? Hey, you didn't make out with Gibby when I stuck these on you two, did you?"

"Shut up. Just shut up. Unless you want to lose your eyesight." She gritted her teeth. "This place makes me want to puke."

"That's 'cause it's romantic. At least, for us."

Sam grunted, hoping to sound disinterested. Freddie grinned, not to be fooled, and leaned over to kiss her again. She didn't kiss back, but she didn't pull away, which he considered an improvement.

"Still feel like puking?" What a lovely question.

"Maybe."

"You think you could stand another kiss?"

"Definitely not." Freddie sat back and remained silent. He hadn't really realized that Sam was upset, too. About what, he had no idea, but at least things were a little bit more in perspective.

Sam chewed on her lip for a while and finally blurted, "I'm going to tell you something that you can _never_ repeat. Ever. And I'm only telling you because...because..."

"This is our place?" he ventured.

"Yeah." She crossed her legs, then uncrossed them, then rubbed her arm, and fidgeted in every possible way.

"You don't have to pee, do you?" Freddie asked nervously.

She glared. "Way to ruin the mood. No. I guess I just kinda...don't know what to do. Maybe...in some crazy way...Gibby _was_ right. That time when we kissed here, you went from Freddie the geek to Freddie the really smart, loyal--"

"Hot?" he added hopefully.

She glave him a don't-push-it glare.

"Sorry. Continue."

"--friend. And it was just in one night, too. I've never talked to you like that before. You were kinda cool. And I didn't know how to deal with the fact that I started feeling really bad about causing you bodily harm."

He grinned. "That's nothing to feel ashamed of, but maybe causing _more _bodily harm wasn't the way to go."

"Ya think?"

"I didn't know you could be like this either...that's the first time you've ever said anything vaguely kind to me. But you know, I always liked that you did whatever you wanted, and didn't care what anybody thought about it. I guess it'd be weird if you were nice to me all the time...you wouldn't really be Sam anymore."

"So...does that mean we can stay the same?"

"You're going to pull back a little. But otherwise, yeah."

She raised her eyebrows, impressed. "And I guess you're going to be more assertive." Freddie shrugged and leaned back on the stairwell, whistling softly to himself. "For the record, I'm not a wimp."

"Wouldn't dream of calling you one."

"I think we can try that kiss again."

He smiled and embraced her.

"OW! You bent my arm backwards, you dummy--I mean, that hurt, Fredward."

Freddie pulled back quickly, apologizing. "I forgot we had these things on. Here." He grabbed her handcuff-clad hand--the first time he'd _ever_ held hands with her--and pulled her closer with the other.

Five minutes later, they heard a terrified scream. "_SAM! STOP EATING FREDDIE!"_

"Well, Carly's back," Sam noted.

"Are we that bad at kissing?"

Slowly, when she realized nothing was wrong, Carly calmed herself. "Sorry. You guys were fighting and I kept thinking about how we shouldn't have left you alone and how Sam hadn't had anything to eat for about two hours now and I came back to see _that _and I wasn't thinking but you guys are cool now?"

"Yeah," said Sam.

"We're cool," completed Freddie.

"You guys! You're finishing each other's sentences, that's so--Spencer! Over here!"

Spencer ducked through the window and stepped onto the fire escape. "Hello, you lovebirds. Let me tell you, I found this amazing doorkn--"

"Spencer!"

"Right! What's the problem?"

"Out of my way!" screeched Mrs. Benson, appearing at the window with an irritated bald guy. "I have a locksmith! Let me through!"

"Carly! Freddie! Sam!" Gibby's distant cry sounded. "I've got the key! Sadie just--uh, went--and I got it!"

Awkward silence.

"You wanna use it?"asked Spencer.

Freddie and Sam stuck out their wrists. A vein in Mrs. Benson's temple throbbed at the uncleanliness of it all. Gibby climbed onto the fire escape, stuck the key into each hole and, with a rattle and a click, the handcuffs fell to the ground.

"Free! Finally! There had better not be anyone in that bathroom! Let me out!" Freddie yelled.

Quickly, everyone scurried off. Gibby, especially, did not feel like dealing with anyone's waste products anymore.

Sam cleared her throat, and Freddie stopped in mid-run, turning around to hug her quickly.

"Love you. Bye!"

Carly watched him go, shaking her head. "You get chained to a guy for a day and all he can think about is the bathroom?"

"What a dork."

Carly laughed. "I guess things haven't changed between you two then, huh?"

Thinking about it, Sam shrugged. "He'll always be a dork. But he's _my_ dork."

"That's so swee--do you hear Gibby sniffling?"

"I hear sniffles. Are they Gibby's?"

"I think so. Gibby, were you listening in?" Carly called.

"No!" said a voice from inside the house.

Sam glanced at Carly. "If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go give him something to cry about."

"Um...maybe that's not such a good idea..." Sam was already gone.

* * *

"First off on iCarly today, we wanna thank everyone who voted in the Make Up or Break Up segment last week. Sam and Freddie are staying together!" Carly announced. Sam pressed the 'applause' button, and the studio was filled with cheering. Freddie grinned. "Freddie, get over here. Let's see a kiss!"

Carly grabbed the sound box from Sam and pressed the top button. The voices of several hundred people emitted from it, chanting "KISS! KISS! KISS!"

Freddie did as he was asked, and as soon as their lips connected Carly let loose another burst of cheering from the sound box.

"Thanks, you guys," Sam said. She whispered to Freddie, "They had nothing to do with it."

"Don't tell them that," he whispered back, smiling like a nut.

"Okay! And before we start the show, Sam and Freddie want to give some special thanks to our friend Gibby."

The moving TV popped off the wall, and a hospital bed appeared on the screen. In that bed was Gibby, barely recognizable under all his casts and bandages.

"Hey Carly, Sam, Freddie."

"Hey Gibby! How're you doing?" Carly asked worriedly.

"The doctors said I should be out in about six weeks!"

Freddie elbowed Sam, who choked out, "Sorry, Gibby. I didn't mean to break seven of your bones."

"I'll forgive you. As long as Freddie keeps you from hurting me again!"

"Definitely, Gibby," Freddie assured. The screen went blank.

"That's not happening," corrected Sam.

"I know." Freddie wrapped an arm around her. "But as long as it's not me you're beating up, I'm totally okay with it."

* * *

A/N--Gotta love Gibby.


	3. Chapter 3: iMeet His Parents

The last part of the trilogy :) Hope you enjoyed!

Disclaimer: I own nothing below. Except maybe the plot. Not really.

* * *

"And _that_'s why you should never come between Sam and meat," advised Carly to the camera.

"That's our show for today! We'll see you next time on iCarly!" Sam said.

Freddie cut the feed and clapped. "Great job. Bye." He grabbed Sam's hand and rushed to the studio door.

"Where are you guys off to in such a hurry?" Carly asked.

Sam rolled her eyes. "He says it's a 'surprise.' But he also says it's not food, so I don't think it's anything worth going to."

Freddie sighed. "It's not gonna be fun. But I have to. Can we just get this over with?"

"Fine, fine. I'll see you later, Carly. Lead the way, Fredward."

The Way led the couple across the hall to Freddie's apartment. "Wait out here," he instructed. "I'll call you when I need you."

"Got any chicken?"

"After. Just do me a favor and wait for five minutes without food, okay?" He stepped into the apartment, leaving Sam wondering why he was agitated. She hadn't put itching powder in his underpants for more than a month now, and his mother didn't seem like one to leave clothes lying unwashed.

* * *

"Mom, I've got something to tell you."

Marissa Benson had waited years for this moment, when Freddie could finally approach her about his troubles without her having to interrogate him. She was all ears. "What is it, Fredward?"

"I have a girlfriend."

"Of course you do. You hang out with Carly and Sam all the time!"

Freddie couldn't help but realize how much he'd let the nerdiness carry him away. His own mother thought he was joking about that. "Not a girl that's a friend, an actual girlfriend. I've been dating her for a couple weeks and I want you to meet her."

Mrs. Benson's eyes almost overflowed. "A girl! An actual female human! Dating my son! Come here, Fredward, give me a hug, I'm so proud of you! As long as you two don't come into any physical contact I think she and I will get along just wonderfully!"

"Heh. I wouldn't be to sure. YOU CAN COME IN!" Freddie yelled.

Mrs. Benson nearly fainted when Samantha Puckett strolled into the apartment, casually requesting 'some grub.'

* * *

"Just breathe into the paper bag, Mom. It's going to be okay."

Tears were streaming down Freddie's mother's face again, but they weren't stemming from happiness this time. "I don't understand! When did this happen? _Why_ did this happen? I thought...Carly was such a nice girl, Freddie, why Sam? She's so...what has this world come to?! Why her?"

"'Cause he was tired of crazy old bats like you and wanted to live on the dangerous side for a change," Sam snapped.

"Mom! Sam! Don't fight. I like Sam a lot, Mom. She's a great person."

His mother didn't believe him at all. "But..."

"No, Mom. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Sam's my girlfriend. That's final."

Mrs. Benson crinkled her paper bag and said slowly, "If...if she makes you happy..."

"She does." Freddie laced his fingers through his girlfriend's, an action his mother winced at.

"Well then, what more can I say?"

"Nothing," Sam told her. "We're going to the movies. See ya."

"That could've gone better," Freddie mumbled as they left.

"I think she handled it pretty well," contradicted Sam. She wasn't fooling him.

"Look, it's just going to take her a while to get used to. You'll grow on her."

"Sure."

"You grew on me," he supported.

Sam glared. "You're a mushy dork."

"Ahem."

"Fine! You're _my_ mushy dork."

* * *

Frantic knocking sounded at the Shays' door, jutting Carly out of her trance of boredom. "Coming! Hold on!" The knocking just got worse. Carly pulled open the door to scold the irritating person on the other side, but found herself face to face with Mrs. Benson.

"Oh, hi. Freddie's not here right now, he's--"

"On a date with...Sam. I know. Where's your brother?"

"Cahfee! Iff fumome fair fod me?" Spencer asked, appearing in the living room with his mouth full of toothbrush and toothpaste.

"Yes. Make yourself understandable!" Carly reminded him. Spencer walked over to the kitchen sink, spit, and came back.

"Hello, Mrs. Benson. How are you?"

The disgusted lady could not believe this was who she was coming to for advice. "I would like to speak with you. Privately."

"That's usually what a girl says when she wants to break up with me. Were we in a relationship I didn't know about?"

Mrs. Benson scowled. "This is no time for jokes! I am in a code red crisis situation! A calamity! Deep doo-doo, can you understand that?!"

"Doo-doo?" Carly repeated.

"Carly, dear, please leave. I need to talk to Spencer."

"Okay." She laughed to herself. "Who says doo-doo anymore?"

"Carly, don't mock our guests when they can hear you!" Spencer advised. Once his little sister was gone, he sat on the couch and motioned for Mrs. Benson to join him, which she didn't. "What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Benson?"

"This may shock you, so you might want to have a paper bag handy. It was a good thing I did this morning, or I would have hyperventilated. Do you have one?"

Spencer frowned. "I think I'll be okay."

"Your choice. Well then...my Fredward...he's dating Sam Puckett!"

"I know. So?"

Wrong thing to say.

"You _knew_?" Mrs. Benson raged. "You knew and you didn't tell me? We were getting along so well! We were good neighbors! How could you not tell me something like this?"

Spencer braced himself for a possible beating. "I thought Freddie told you! I'm sorry. Really, very sorry."

"Well, he didn't!" cried the upset mother. "And it was because he knew I wouldn't allow him to have special relations with that...hooligan!"

"Special relations?" asked Spencer.

"Hooligan?" said Carly from the top of the stairs.

"Carly! Go to your room!" yelled her brother.

"Yes! Special relations, hooligan, whatever 'hip' words you young people use these days. I don't care! That girl is a hazard to my son!"

"Mrs Benson," Spencer tried. "Sam isn't a 'hooligan.'"

"She eats salad _with her hands_, Spencer!"

He thought over that one. "Somehow, I don't think that qualifies as hooligan behavior."

"Well, it does to me. I'll never accept that girl with Fredward, he's far too nice of a boy to get mixed up with her. Why wouldn't Carly give him a chance?!"

"Don't blame me!" called Carly.

"Exactly, there's no conflict here. Sam is just what--Carly, I said go to your room!--Freddie needs to balance out other, nameless, overbearing influences in his life."

"So I'll just get him another baritone teacher! Then will he leave her alone?"

"I'm not talking about his baritone teacher, Mrs. Benson. I'm talking about you. Not that you should stop doing what you're doing, Freddie turned out to be a great kid, but you need to let him have a break every once in a while."

Mrs. Benson's lower lip trembled. "This is _not_ what I wanted to hear from another adult. My son is not going to continue seeing Sam. Well, he should be home by now, it's already been twenty minutes. Hmph!" She showed herself out.

"What did she want to hear?" Carly questioned, coming down the stairs.

"I don't know. Would you like a taco?"

* * *

"I love this couch. I'm just gonna live on it, Carls, is that okay with you?" Sam asked.

"You practically already do."

"True. Where's Freddie?"

Carly hoped this wouldn't lead to a string of questions that she'd feel terrible about answering. "Home."

"Wasn't he supposed to hang out with us today?"

"No."

"Yeah he was. Where is he?"

"Home."

"What's with the one-word answers?"

"Spencer just went grocery shopping. The fridge is _stocked_, do you want something?"

Sam sat up. "Seriously. What's wrong with Freddie?"

"Wow. Food can't even distract you from him anymore?"

The blonde had already started dialing his number, and put him on speaker. "_Hello?"_

"Freddie? Where are you?"

_"Hey Sam. I'm grounded."_

"You still get grounded? What'd you do?"

_"I don't know. My mom won't tell me. She said I did something 'unspeakable.' Maybe she saw me throwing my broccoli away at dinner last night."_

"Goshdarnit, Freddie, you had to be such a rebel."

_"You know how I roll."_

"Yeah. On a Segway. Carls, do you know what's going on?"

"Me? No! I don't. I do, but I don't. No, forget I said that! I have no idea. I really don't. Don't ask me questions when I have to lie to you because then I feel bad and I'm giving everything away and she thinks it's for your own good and it's not but I didn't know how to tell her and Spencer's mouth was filled with toothpaste and there were hooligans involved and I need to shut up now!" She clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Carly. Speak."

_"What's going on, Carly?"_

Carly bit her lip, but she couldn't keep it down. "I think...I think that Freddie's mom is doing everything she can to keep you guys from seeing each other. And she's just started, who knows what else she's got planned."

The two were silent for a second. Sam's jaw had dropped and Carly was sure Freddie's was too.

_"She can't do that."_

Sam snapped her phone shut and stormed out of Carly's apartment.

"Sam? Sam, where are you going? Oh, this isn't good..."

* * *

Freddie was trying to get down the fire escape when Sam joined him.

"Hey," she greeted. He stared.

"How'd you get in here?"

"Picked the lock. Tranquilized your mom."

"WHAT?"

"Kidding. She was watching the Health Channel. She wouldn't've known if an elephant broke your door down."

"Oh." He grinned. "You did that just to see me?"

"I also do that to get into Carly's fridge."

"But you loooove food."

Sam was silent. It just occured to Freddie that of the five or so times he'd told her he loved her, not once had Sam replied. This was also the girl who had no steady father figure, who ragged on her mother, hated her sister, and had three friends in the whole world. When was the last time she'd said what Freddie said to his mom every night?

"Sam?" Their best moments had been out on the fire escape. Might as well give it a try. Freddie mentally noted to have all of their dates out here. "I love you."

For a minute she looked like she was trying to get the words out, but couldn't. Then she started to lean in to kiss him, but he casually stepped back. Even with the insights into her thoughts, he was more than a little hurt.

"Um...so...for the next iCarly, I don't think I'll be able to be there," he started awkwardly.

"What? Why not?"

"My mom decided to plan this trip over whatever's left of summer vacation. Apparently I have an uncle I've never heard of that lives in England--he fences over there--and my mom wants to go visit him."

"For six weeks? How can you stand your family for that long?"

He shrugged. "I think it'll be cool. We'll the sights in London and everything, and he might be able to teach me some stuff."

"Wow. You'll be gone a long time...when did she decide to go?"

Freddie cleared his throat before answering. "My uncle called this morning."

"Uh huh."

"She hasn't seen him in a long time, and she really wants to go."

"Can you still call when you're out of the country?"

"Not right now. Roaming charges and whatnot. I told her to get me a new phone plan, so she's thinking about it."

"When are you leaving?"

"A couple of days."

Sam considered this for a minute, and then hurried down the stairs.

"Where are you going?"

"Home," she answered angrily...

* * *

...And burst into Carly's apartment. "That _idiot!_"

Carly glanced away from the TV. "Did you get in a fight with the mailman again?"

"No! I got in a fight with your stupid neighbor! Do you know what he's doing?"

"Being grounded?"

"He's going to Europe for a month and a half! Until school starts!"

"Oh, that's cool. What for?"

"So his psycho mom can make sure he can't talk to me or see me. He knows all that, and he doesn't even care. It's like it's no big deal to him. Do you think he gets that he won't hear a word from me for six weeks?"

"Sam, hey, of course it matters to him. Maybe he thinks you'll write to him." Carly didn't realize how stupid that sounded until it came out. "This is so bad. Someone has to control his mother!"

"Well, if he's not going to, then what's the point?" Sam flopped onto the couch. It was obvious he would've fought with his mom if she'd just said 'I love you' back. Why couldn't she? It wasn't like she didn't.

"You gonna be okay?" asked Carly.

"I think...I think I'm going to go talk to Mrs. Benson."

"Don't beat her up, Sam."

"..."

* * *

Freddie felt like a jerk. He shouldn't have tried to force her to say anything she didn't want to, and now she was even more upset.

"Mom, I don't want to go on vacation."

"But Fredward, I've started packing. I've already gotten all of our anti-bacterial soaps and antiseptics and allergy medicine--"

"You can't do this just to keep me away from Sam. You're going way too far this time," Freddie said quietly.

His mother faked surprise. "What? Keep you away from Sam? No. Your uncle called and told us to visit. I haven't seen him in years, Fredward. He's never even met you."

"Well, tell him we'll go visit when Sam can come along. I don't want anything coming between me and her, ever." He paused. "Mom, why are you doing this to me? You think you're protecting me but you're _not_! Normal kids don't have to take tick baths or have curfews at eight! I should be able to eat junk food and wear open-toed shoes! And even if I can't, Sam is one thing you're definitely not allowed to take away from me."

Mrs. Benson looked like she'd been struck by lightning. She didn't say anything for a few seconds.

"I don't even have an uncle, do I? You were making it all up."

"You do have an uncle," she said finally. "But he's an accountant in Chicago."

"You were going to spend thousands of dollars to pretend to visit a relative just so I couldn't see _Sam_?"

"I was just looking out for you! Has that girl ever cleaned under her fingernails? Ever?"

Freddie grabbed his cell phone. "I'm going over to Sam's and setting this thing straight. And then we're gonna have a talk with Dr. Carlson again."

"Freddie! It's almost seven o'clock! You can't go outside without a buddy!"

He was already out the door.

* * *

When Mrs. Benson opened the door five minutes later, she expected her son outside, back from the dangers of the seven o'clock world. An unpleasant surprise greeted her.

"Sam."

"Where's Freddie?"

"He went to your house to see you! Now he's out there all alone, who knows what--"

Sam pushed her into the apartment. "I'm going to talk now, and you're going to listen. I like Freddie a lot, and he likes me. And maybe I'm not the girl you would've picked, but you're going to hurt him if you won't accept it."

"You don't know what you're talking about. You're the one that's going to hurt him."

"Why? Because I don't make preventing gum disease my life?"

"No! But your antics always end up harming Fredward. _You_ always end up harming him. He used to come home crying about your newest bullying scheme almost every day! All those cuts and bruises, who do you think spent hours nursing them? Do you think I want him around you without Carly there to make sure you don't send him to the hospital?"

"Oh..." Sam said quietly. She couldn't believe she'd forgotten all about her and Freddie's love/hate/more-hate relationship before they'd kissed. "Look, Mrs. Benson, I...I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I said I'm sorry."

"I'm almost completely sure I did not hear that right."

"Don't make me say it again! I shouldn't have picked on him so much. But honestly, he--and you--made it easy to. You're like the ultimate obsessive mother. Can't you lay off a little?"

She weighed the decision. "Do you think you could start taking tick baths?"

"No. But I occasionally take showers."

"Tick showers?"

"Do those even exist?"

Mrs. Benson sighed. "Fine. You don't seem...that bad."

"Thanks, I thi--is that a Paul Prudhomme cookbook?"

Freddie's mother gazed to where she was pointing skeptically. "Yes. How do you know--?"

"Duh! His redfish is the best. You ever made it?"

Mrs. Benson picked up the book. "No, I haven't...oh, what the hey. Would you like to help me out? We could have a late dinner. Let's risk indigestion!"

"Sure."

"You're going to wash your hands first, right?"

* * *

When Freddie returned home, he found the two taste-testing a dish _at the stove_. He knocked on the wall to let them know he was there, but they paid no attention.

"Uh, Sam? Mom? What happened here?"

"Oh, hey, Freddie. Your mom has a mean gumbo."

"Huh?"

"Fredward, we'll only be a minute. Why don't you go and unpack the suitcases upstairs?"

"Are you guys _cooking_?"

"Yep."

"...For me?"

They laughed.

"Definitely not."

"You already had dinner. And you didn't help make this. Make sure you're in bed by eight."

"Mrs. Benson..."

"Sorry. By..." She shuddered. "Eight thirty."

Freddie grinned at Sam. "Sure thing, Mom."

* * *

"You know, Carly, I think I've finally figured Sam out," Freddie said. "If I tell her I hate something, she does it about ten times as often."

"So you told her not to kiss you?"

"Yep."

Sam pushed open the studio door. "Sorry I'm late. Hey Carls. Hey, Fredward." She pecked him on the lips.

"Mmmm..." he murmured before catching himself. "I mean, darn..."

"Let's get this thing going, people!" She and Carly took their places in the middle of the studio.

"In five...four...three...two..."

"Hey, everybody! Sam I am and I like ham!"

"Hi! I'm Carly and I hate barley!"

"What is barley, anyways?" Sam asked.

"WHO CARES?" both girls yelled.

"We've got a new segment today," announced Carly. "We're switching things around. I'm going behind camera..."

"And I'm coming out here," Freddie said. "Hey, iCarly fans, I'm Sammy!"

"And I'm Carly!" Sam giggled, twirling a lock of hair around her finger.

"And I'm Fredlina!" Carly told the camera in a very high pitched voice. "Wait..." She plugged her nose. "Okay, _now _I'm Fredlina. And Carly, I'm _not_ that girly!"

"That nerd voice is so not funny," Freddie muttered. "I mean, shut up Fredlina, or your foot'll end up where your nose is!"

Sam sidled up to the camera. "Sammy's not really cut out to be tough. Who says we demonstrate how Sam _really_ does it?"

"What? No! Not a good idea!"

When Sam lunged, he expected to feel pain. But it was actually kind of nice. She was hugging him.

Freddie stepped back, dazed, before he remembered to say, "Ow..."

Carly frowned into the camera. "Great, Freddie. That was almost a believable expression of pain."

"Yeah." He grinned stupidly at Sam. "I'm going to get behind the camera again."

No one else had to know about the 'I love you' she'd whispered into his ear.

* * *


End file.
